My answer to, What do you do when…

I love when this happens.
Over the weekend a lovely gal responded to one of my posts with a pertinent question.
Here is the post:
“My children used to think I was like the Energizer bunny—I could keep going, and going, and going … It was my fault because I proved it daily by being available for everyone and everything. This was unwise. Through time and experience, I came to realize that not only was I hurting my own health and self-esteem, but I was also setting my children up with expectations and behaviors that could negatively impact them in future relationships.”
[Faithful, Fit & Fabulous]
In response, she asked, “What did you do?”
Great question!
Here are a few things that worked for me, and hopefully something helps you.
First, I took a deep breath, had a piece of quality chocolate, and said a prayer.
Second, I read up on setting healthy boundaries. Then I reworked the concept of what I am to do as a mother. My job is not to do-for, but to love, model, and teach (and if necessary, use words, as St. Francis of Assis would say…). Of course, that happens amidst carpool, homework, scripture study, you get the picture. But my primary energies needed to go toward those three things.
Third, I shifted my way of responding to my children and their situations. I took more control, in a positive way, no longer feeling bandied about like an oarless boat on the sea. I became more clear about what was my responsibility (to help them become Future Stellar Adults) and what that meant (teach them Life Skills, with healthy follow up, as I marinate them in love.) And what was their responsibility (to learn what they would need to become Future Stellar Adults, which meant All Things Mom Told Them to Do).
Some of the specifics included:
*Clear chore expectations. We created Daily Jobs with their name, weekly Deep Clean zones (switched every two weeks), and Specialty Projects known as dreaded family dos on the weekend. These changes lessened my energy drain due to nagging, reminding, and being frustrated. And it constructively spread the work. As I tell them, “It takes a family to clean up after a family.”
*Clear behavior expectations. We made it a clear and followed-up policy to speak kindly and with respect; to acknowledge and identify our feelings and process them in healthy ways; and to ask for what we need and find the best positive way to meet that need. And then we actually followed through on necessary situations.
For example, the past months/years we have two girls who struggle with bickering. So one more “method” to address and improve it recently has been to create happy and not-happy tally marks. This has helped them see how often they’re bickering and how often they’re being kind. It’s clear, logical, and can’t be argued with. The immediate difference has been MAGIC. That has lessened the emotional rollercoaster, my need to referee, and often stops before it can skyrocket.
*Clearly showing that fun rewards are key. Whether it’s playing Speed together or basketball at our neighborhood church, my kids know that rewarding our hard work is a vital part of our family plan. Rewards are fun, and fun is key to creating a joyful family, and a happy mama. And I’ve made it clear–especially with age–that I don’t always need to participate exactly as they do to make it a joy. At times I can make the cocoa and cookies while they build the snow fort and afterward we enjoy the sharing together.
*Clearly stating and showing that Mom is a person. I set parameters that show I’m a Mom, not a doormat. I have go times and stop times, just like they do, and need to sit down some time during the day. They know that after 9:30 p.m. is Mom time and woe be unto them who tread in my room with last minute homework to sign. They know Mom loves her hands-on, always-on job caring for our family and running our home, and, that means she needs to recharge and renew through some hobbies, time with friends to chat, or a spiritual activity filled with peace and quiet. I also set a rule on how often I’ll bring “I forgots” to the school–the first time is a freebie, then it’s a chore or I’m paid to bring it.
There are a lot more things that I put into place. But these few things have been INCREDIBLE in helping me regain energy as well as respect for myself and what I do. And, it’s taught my children better organization, understanding others, greater respect for me and each other, and a more helpful attitude. They know that I’ll help them with a forgotten chore (dishwasher) and they’re happy to offer to play with the toddler for 15 minutes while I run to the neighbor’s.
Hopefully something in here has been helpful:) I’d love to know what you fabulous moms have done to wisely use your energy and not try to be all things to all people all the time!
Hugs,
Connie
P.S Get rid of busyness, guilt, comparison and more at our next Jumpstart B2B class! Feb. 9th, 7:30–9:30 p.m., reserve early, last time we sold out: CLICK THE LINK TO RESERVE https://conniesokol.com/back-to-basics-program-2/