[The following is an excerpt from The Life is Too Short Collection by Connie Sokol, see purchase links below.]
“We all know speaking positively is powerful. But do we realize how powerful it is in marriage?
Renowned marital therapist Dr. John Gottman teamed up with mathematicians to record the number of positive and negative interactions between married couples during a fifteen-minute conversation. If the ratio was 5 to 1 for the positive, or near it, they predicted the couple would stay together.
Ten years later they had correctly predicted who divorced and who didn’t with 94 percent accuracy. And from only a fifteen-minute conversation.
Is speaking positively to your partner important? It’s absolutely key. And it doesn’t need to be in a sugar-sweet, “Pollyanna” tone, either. Positive interactions are as simple as saying, “Thanks for picking up those grapes for me” (even if they are the wrong color), or “Sweetheart, would you mind taking out the trash this morning?” (Instead of, “Did you forget the dang trash, again?”)
And as is so often the case, treating others well benefits us, too. Eliminating the negative from our lives not only brings greater life fulfillment, but avoids the mental and physical damage caused by stress, anger, and hostility. Positivity helps us recover faster from pain and illness, and even leads to an increased life span. A study by the Mayo Clinic showed that negative people cut off more years from their life expectancy than if they smoked cigarettes!
One prominent researcher, Barbara Fredrickson, added that being positive broadens our thinking, builds durable physical and emotional reserves, improves overall performance in a group, and can transform people mentally and emotionally.
So if you’re wishing your spouse would change, consider shifting your own positive to negative ratio. For today, listen to your words. Mark a planner, paper, or even your hand each time you say something kind. At the day’s end, evaluate not only what you can do better, but ask your spouse ways they like to be praised. Small and simple things can create the greatest and deepest of changes. As you think and speak more positively, one thing is certain—a change is guaranteed.”
[The Life is Too Short Collection: Kitchen table wisdom for women, wives, and mothers for only 