Help your Kids Solve Their Own Problems

Is too much help, harmful? Learn when to help and when to let go. We have expert advice for moms and dads.

As parents, the big question over time becomes how much do we help our young and adult children without enabling them. From a science fair project to doling money to newlyweds, parents have tough daily choices about how much “help” is helpful in a child’s life. Here are a few tried and true tips.
#1. Let them own the problem. Parents are often too quick to suggest a solution, or even do it for the child. Help children see the problem is theirs and instill confidence they can find a solution. Jump in too quickly and they will get used to you bailing them out. For young children, that means give them time and ideas to solve it. When our son was seven he wanted a new Lego set for about forty dollars. I immediately asked what he could do to earn that money (his need, his solution) which included cleaning, yard work, making cookies, etc. This particular time he chose to make cookies, charging a dollar per cookie. As an all-wise parent, I commented that I thought the price too high but to do what he thought best. He ignored my advice, the parents paid up, and he made great money. Note to mama self: keep mouth shut.
#2. Set appropriate boundaries. This can be especially tough with adult children. In 2006, over half of all young adults from 20 to 24 years old lived with their parents. In this economy, it’s often due to inability to find a job, afford housing, or pay off student loans. But just as often, these “boomerang kids” are not feeling an internal pressure to find better solutions, especially when an easy one is before them.
Decide ahead of time how you will handle predictable situations, especially financial ones with adult children: will you help with a down payment or co- sign on a loan for a car? How often will you help financially? Is there a dollar amount limit? Some parents offer a one-time gift of $1,000—the young adults choose when to use it, but that’s it. Or with moving back home: how often, how long, and do they pay rent? If they don’t have cash, they can do labor, fixing up the house, etc. And it’s appropriate to sign a contract between everyone about the details—i.e. they will stay for nine months while the house is being built, each month after that they pay rent (ensuring the building process moves along). Remember, this is not your issue. You are doing them the service so make sure the situation is peaceful to you and not something you’ll resent.
#3. Be the broken record. No matter the age, children will generally fight you on boundaries so be prepared. Use Parenting with Love and Logic: “That’s a difficult situation, what are your options?” If adult children push for you to solve it, say, “We’d love to help but we just can’t right now. You’re both smart and savvy people, we know you’ll figure this one out.” If they say, but you have money/went on a trip/don’t have debt, say, “Yes, and we budgeted carefully for that opportunity. When you’re our age, those are some of the things you’ll get to do too.” Don’t buy into inappropriate guilt or emotional blackmail. If you weren’t alive, they’d find a way to survive. Of course, there are times to help. But you’ll know it’s wise when they are grateful for any assistance and you feel a sense of peace and sureness.
Wisely allowing young and adult children to solve their own problems creates healthy, confident and capable adults. So don’t feel guilty, be glad you can part of that growing process!

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