[The following is an excerpt from Life is Too Short for One Hair Color, by Connie Sokol. See purchase links below.]
“Don’t underestimate your kids. It has been said if they can read they can do laundry, and I confirmed the truth of this adage when my seven-year-old wanted a Tonka Construction set. It was all he could talk about, think about, tantrum about. After he got a playground goose egg to the forehead I checked him out of school and like a dutiful mother had him lay down to rest, while worrying about concussions, lobotomies and the like.
A while later he got up, said he was fine and would be back in a minute. Inside I was grateful he was capable of walking and therefore wouldn’t require brain surgery, but after 20 minutes I went downstairs, and saw him mopping the kitchen floor.
This, I surveyed, was after having swept the floor and inverting the stools on top of the kitchen table. I steadied myself. I stared at him. Who are you, I thought, and what have you done with my son? It turns out this was part of a seven-year-old’s plan to make five dollars toward his tool set. I welled up with mother’s pride but then thought: how long has he known how to mop the kitchen floor? I flashed back to the age-appropriate chores I had previously given—clean a few windows, make his bed, match socks. Those days were gone.
Children, no matter the age, are capable of many things, depending on the juiciness of the carrot dangling in front of them. That carrot I call The Motivator. I encourage all parents to find The Motivator, the one thing their child really wants, and then milk that Motivator for all it’s worth. Perhaps it’s Nintendo, sports, paper cup collecting, whatever. But no matter the source, The Motivator has to meet two criteria: it has to be what the child really wants and is a safe and doable thing. Crocodile roping would not fit this criteria.
Using The Motivator wisely is crucial. This is not a weapon, a threat, or a bribe. Together, you and your child can discuss the basic work or behavior expectations (chores, no tantrums, etc.) and the rewards for such (half hour of Nintendo, choosing a sports camp, etc.). The idea is to teach discipline with appropriate motivation.
A carrot dangled too long loses its flavor, or dangled too far loses its reachability. As a teen I remember the night I learned chores were to be done on Thursday night. It was a phrase I had heard frequently but only registered when I was grounded from cheerleading because chores were not done. That didn’t mean I suddenly became Queen of the Prompt Chore-Doing, but I got the appropriately painful point and after that I never missed a game.
A bonus here in trying to find The Motivator for your child is that you might just stumble on one for yourself. No one ever said we had to do drudge without a nudge. Perhaps you have wanted to take a class or read a book. Enjoy using that as your Motivator to really make those toilets sparkle. Okay, there is no Motivator for that unless you are a very sick person. But discovering the Motivator in you and your child’s lives can help you see what a dangled carrot helps you both accomplish.
Life Tip:
Find The Motivator, something your child loves to do, and work with him/her on using it as a reward for things that need to be done.
Book Pick:
Teaching Your Children Values by Linda Eyre”
[We hope you enjoyed this excerpt from Life is Too Short for One Hair Color, 