Creating More Fulfilling Intimacy: What Men and Women Need to Know
He needs, she needs—when it comes to intimacy, it’s surprisingly more simple and more similar than you would expect. Bottomline, it’s about becoming more open and understanding about those needs, and how better filling them can change your marriage for the better.
1. Understanding your perception of intimacy. A while ago I read a quote from an author that made me sit up and take note. She said, paraphrasing, that she felt that all day long all she did was need-fill, and by the evening, she wanted her pillow, a magazine, and not to be disturbed, especially by her husband. But then it hit her—this same husband was not bothered by an unmapped floor or disheveled children. And yet, this woman regularly said no to the one thing that her patient husband asked of her—physical and emotional connection his way. That perspective changed her perspective and their marital intimacy.
Women sometimes perceive sexual intimacy as one more thing to do, or, that this is all her husband focuses on. However, men share that it’s not just an act, for them it’s a vital way to connect with their wives, that helps ground their emotions and feel like “all is right with the world”. In their wiring, it’s the way they reach out and feel close to their wives as well as feel good about who they are. So when a wife continually says no, it’s not just rejecting that particular moment of closeness, it’s rejecting who they are as a man.
2.Communicate your needs as a woman, wife, and mother. That being said, intimacy can be difficult for women on several levels: physical issues (pain, sensitivity, child birthing issues, health, etc.), emotional issues (abuse, previous negative experiences, etc.), and misunderstandings. But the number one deterrent seems to be sheer exhaustion. Mothers especially feel pulled and touched all day long and by evening want a break. Talk to your spouse. Let him know. He likely has no idea how this really feels for you. In The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle, she shares an experience where a woman told her husband, “I want to spend quality time with you but I’m exhausted and need a nap.” He said, “You bet!” When she awoke, he had fed the kids, put them down, and was happy to make her happy. That’s a marital win-win. Help your husband understand what you need to transition. Ask him to rub your back for 15 minutes, or just cuddle while listening to relaxing music, etc. Do what you need, perhaps one night a week, to make sure this time together is priority one.
3. Rediscover the pleasure of simple touch. Remember when you’re dating and just holding his hand made you giddy? Get back to simple touches throughout the day, especially smooching. Older couples can really lose the art of kissing, so today, perhaps try this: when he comes home, give him a three-second kiss, put your hand behind his neck and in his hair, and tell him how much you appreciate all he does for you and the family. You might be surprised how much you enjoy this connection, too! A few years ago my husband and I were going to a movie and saw that it wouldn’t start for about a half an hour. So we went back to the car and made out! Maybe years later this is why we still do a weekly date night.
This week, try one of these tips and rediscover the joyful feeling of connecting more fully physically and emotionally with your spouse.
Connie Sokol is a mother of six—expecting her seventh—a presenter, and author of several books including her new release, Motherhood Matters, and Faithful, Fit & Fabulous. For tips, podcasts, and more, visit www.conniesokol.com.
