It’s not a matter of if, but when. And it’s not a matter of who, but whom today. Those difficult conversations are a part of life and there is likely one lurking right around the corner.
Not to worry. Authors Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny of Crucial Conversations give us some great tips on not only doing this well, but embracing future dialogue too.
Tip #1: Start with the Heart.
The authors are clear to point out that starting with the right motives is KEY to making the conversation go smoothly. Before you start, consider these three questions:
*What do you really want for yourself?
*What do you really want for the others?
*What do you really want for the relationship?
We all know it’s not a matter of “winning a point” but how the other person feels after the conversation concludes.
A few years ago I remember one neighbor calling me to share a frustration in our alternating babysitting agreement (I watched her kids, she watched mine). As I listened to her thoughts, I felt a clear feeling of love and empathy—I really felt badly at the misunderstanding, wanted to fully own my share, and to solve it the best way possible. And that’s what I said. Suddenly, the angst was gone and she was back to herself. At the end of the phone call I asked if there was anything else. She said No, but she felt like she had just been through therapy.
Tip #2: Stay focused on the point.
Too often a conversation starts with one concern and then morphs into the Fifty Other Stressful But Unrelated Things that have happened since 1987 with this person. Patterson and Grenny say those who are successful conversers are “steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them.”
So don’t hesitate to share, “I’d love to talk about that other topic, just not right now. I’d like to finish our discussion on this concern about ______.”
I had this experience the other day with someone who was going down several different emotional roads. To be able to rein it in and stay focused helped us find a resolution that worked.
Give these two tips a try and let me know how it worked for you!
Best,
Connie
If you liked this post, you’ll love Connie’s Studio 5 segment on how to “Get Emotionally Unstuck” [CLICK HERE]
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